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Divorce...when is it time, when do you know. Facing the unknown.

pennsylvaniaboy said:
Oh, I am implosive...I have never touched her in anger, and dont yell at her or say lashing words.
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That's good. I wouldn't be scared to go to counseling with her. The time with your kids is worth it if she is good when the relationship is right.

Full disclosure, I only read page 1 of the thread.
 
Yeah, all the signs are there. Why don't you just commit to catching her? You are seeing smoke signals. It wouldn't be hard to take a trip out of town but don't leave and confirm it.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
To everyone saying exit, call a lawyer. We have discussed divorce. She had no interest in making it a fight over stuff or custody. In that conversation she just wanted to be free from all this. So I’m thinking about that, lawyering up seems like an aggressive move vs meeting with one together if that’s what really happens. She shahid she has no interest in getting the courts involved.
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It's a trap motherfucker go get a lawyer!:homer:
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Man, what a day. Start a thread on here, get my mind thinking. It’s been nearly 8 months since she explicitly said no more sex, never again.

Sat down when the kids went to bed and tried to figure out the meal plan for the week as I grocery shop. She looks uncomfortable the whole time. I asked what’s up. Leads to nothing, then her saying it’s awkward just the 2 of us.

I say if things are that bad, we need to talk, nothing is working or changing. You regret all of this; what do you want? .....she replies she doesn’t know.

I keep pushing, she says talking never gets anywhere and wants to go to bed.....

All after having a great afternoon and evening with her kids and dinner by the fire and s’mores. And talking about getting her convertible spitfire ready for spring weather.

Sorry I’m venting
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I just popped in to ask when was the last time you banged one out with her. As someone who's been through this cut the cord now! Do whatever you have to to not use any fucking lawyers either, they're just going to bleed you both.

Hey at least she didn't hook up with her former lesbian lover at a party, mull it over for a few weeks, decide she's going to be a full time dyke, divorce you, and then hook up with some little mexican dude. :flipoff2:

I used to like lesbians and mexicans :mr-t:
 
JR4X said:
To the guys crying lawyer up, I’m asking earnestly. Why start with cut throat lawyers?

Remember this, it is never in a lawyer’s best interest to settle something quickly and efficiently. They make their money by the hour not the job. So if the OP even tells a lawyer he’s got a savings account that he doesn’t want to lose. Every lawyer see’s that as a cash cow that they can milk into their own account. All they have is time, time to get as much money for themselves as they can.

When I got divorced, my ex and I hated each other at that point. But I never hated her so much that I would rather a lawyer have my money than her. I had a lawyer tell me what my worst case scenario would be if I lost in court. Then we negotiated the terms ourselves. If that had failed the lawyer option was always still there. I don’t think that it would have cost me less if we’d have lawyered up. She got more than I felt was fair, and she got less than she felt was fair.

Who would you rather the money? The mother of your children or an overpaid stranger?
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A stranger. When I talked to the shark lady I told her straight up I'd rather give her the money my ex was wanting me to give her as alimony or just burn it in the street, whatever so long as the ex didn't get it. She didn't have an eye before telling me there would be no need, my case could be quick & easy. Not every lawyer needs to drag shit out to make a buck.
 
I just read all your posts since yesterday.

This marriage sounds like it's done. My previous advice still stands, consult with some lawyers for their advice to determine *potential* paths forward. Maybe your divorce doesn't end up in court and it's amicable, but if you go there informal/mediator route and she decides to steamroll you it 100% WILL turn out badly.

And as I mentioned before, take care of yourself too. Get some counseling and stay off any alcohol to keep a clear mind. Spend quality time with the kids, more than usual, and make sure they are taken care of and loved. You'll get through this and be a better father in the end.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
taking selfies, that then get deleted same day or in a few days(family ipad linked to her iphoto), lingerie drawer changes when im not in town, but never when i am in town, picking a diff night gown to go on a trip (solo) , came home middle of the day from working at a friends house, and wearing a robe and diff gown than normal....vs just a robe after a shower...


I also realize that I am heightened on all accounts and could be paranoid.
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Yea she's getting dick somewhere else, sorry mang.


I had changed my phone to fingerprint unlock (still opened with a code she knew as well) and told her about it. I did it because using fingerprint it would go back to whatever you were doing when it closed without having to navigate through again. She thought that was neat. Within a few weeks I noticed she had done the same thing and was spending way more time on her phone than normal. I don't know if my telling her about the new unlock method made her think I was hiding something or what but her lizard brain went cuckoo and within a month my wife effectively died to me. You'll have to get a star to find out more, I have a long and retarded thread here. :homer:
 
DWT said:
A stranger. When I talked to the shark lady I told her straight up I'd rather give her the money my ex was wanting me to give her as alimony or just burn it in the street, whatever so long as the ex didn't get it. She didn't have an eye before telling me there would be no need, my case could be quick & easy. Not every lawyer needs to drag shit out to make a buck.
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That’s some serious hatred. But it sounds like yours took a few more side cocks than mine did. Don’t get me wrong, mine got a train ran her too. But I didn’t want to get bled dry by both a lawyer and the cheating ho.
 
JR4X said:
That’s some serious hatred. But it sounds like yours took a few more side cocks than mine did. Don’t get me wrong, mine got a train ran her too. But I didn’t want to get bled dry by both a lawyer and the cheating ho.
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Oh I hated her for a long time for sure but not any more. When I talked to the lawyer I was almost over it but my statement about not wanting to give the ex any money was due to not giving her the satisfaction of getting cash from me. I took all the debt which was mostly created by her so I'll be fucked if I was going to give her more money voluntarily.
 
Absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a lawyer to get some solid advice about your options if you end up needing them. Some small moves now might save your ass later on if it plays out bad
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
taking selfies, that then get deleted same day or in a few days(family ipad linked to her iphoto), lingerie drawer changes when im not in town, but never when i am in town, picking a diff night gown to go on a trip (solo) , came home middle of the day from working at a friends house, and wearing a robe and diff gown than normal....vs just a robe after a shower...


I also realize that I am heightened on all accounts and could be paranoid.
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If she cheated would this be a deal breaker? Penis in vagina cheating just so we’re clear.
 
You should be talking with lawyers. I dont know what you have for assets, but would you rather pay a lawyer a small sum, or the soon to be ex, everything. My dads first ex cleaned him out, he came home to papers, and found out after she cleaned out their accounts. Somewhere north of 50k in late 70's money.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
oh I would be gone yesterday
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Yet you're still there. :homer:


Are most of us jaded from past experience? Yes. Are we wrong? Probably not. We are outsiders looking in with a view unfiltered by emotions, trust us and more importantly trust your gut. I wish I'd have trusted my gut years ago, it was NOT wrong in any way, shape or form and I ignored it because she was a good girl that loved me. :lmao:
 
My brother just did the amicable thing with his ex, I don't know hard numbers, but he kept the payed off house, boat, and his truck. She left to one of three rentals they had in her yukon, I know that the rentals were financed, but if they put 25% down on all 4 it's still about half of what their primary house was worth.

They agreed on 50/50 custody of the kids (8 and 5 at the time), used the same lawyer drew up everything and got it in front of the judge and the judge kicked it back. They were given some spiel about how if they can agree on the terms of the divorce so amicably then they needed to work on the marriage in the same manner. That delayed everything, they ended up having to get the case on another docket to get approved.
 
Lawyer is probably a good idea, even if it's just to bounce ideas through to make sure you don't do something that screws you later.

Maybe explore the her moving out idea a bit more until she does know what she wants.

Sucks dude. Atleast you can sorta talk with her without it going :nuke:
 
How are the kiddos doing with this? Probably still too young to recognize what's going on?
 
woods said:
How are the kiddos doing with this? Probably still too young to recognize what's going on?
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yeh, i hope so, we try to keep it pretty normal around them. Im sure we are more tense and such than if we were in a happier state of things.
 
Here's my thinking on this. She likes the "family" but doesn't love it. She may "like" you, but doesn't love you.

My guess is she feels extremely guilty for feeling the way she does. She may be being told how great she has it and she can't understand why she's not happy. This could be WHY she says she doesn't know....because she doesn't. Honestly, I think SHE is struggling to come to terms with her feelings of not being as invested in the family and you as she should be. She keeps trying to feel differently, but just can't. Your post about her saying it's weird being jus the 2 of you....that threw up flags for me. IF she isn't cheating physically, she is likely cheating emotionally. She may have found someone that brings back all the spark and excitement of a new relationship....and this fuels her feelings of guilt.

With that said, I'd tell her it's done. That she needs to move out (she asked if you wanted her to, she is willing) Let her have a little freedom and see if that opens her eyes to what she wants. My guess is someone is making her feel the fun and excitement and she is thinking "grass is greener" It never is, just different grass. She won't know until she finds out....however, YOU have given everything you can from the sound of it. Time to get yourself right and be there for your kids. No need to villianize her....she just doesn't feel the same way.

Now, the reason I can see this is I was her and you with my last relationship. I tried everything to get my EX (Never married, but we do have a daughter together) to love me. I tried so hard to make things work. However, I also worked with someone that let me see what a relationship could be. At first it was a lot of sexual tension. I didn't cheat with her physically, but my emotions became more and more tied up with the co-worker because she was giving me many of the things my EX couldn't/wouldn't. Eventually I realized I was looking for acceptance from my EX and my love for her had faded quite a while ago in the years of TRYING. It wasn't until I saw the potential in someone else that I realized it. It also helped that the coworker had just gone through a divorce and hearing her stories was very similar to mine....just on her side. Eventually, after years of working on myself after I broke it off with my EX (during her pregnancy) that I eventually dated my co-worker. We are now married and extremely happy. The marriage is so much better then I imagined and we are very comfortable to be very honest with each other.

I'm just saying that not everyone is vindictive and horrible. She sounds confused with her feelings and while I'd like to say it may work....I'm guessing it won't and that she just isn't in love with you....but feels guilty because she thinks she should be. It might help to ease her mind that you won't hate her (I don't hate my EX, in fact I feel so sorry for her...she lives a miserable life not knowing what she wants and seemingly unable to try for things that may make her happy). I think she's hoping she'll be able to feel something definite...one way or the other...but honestly I think she needs a push. Sorry to say.
 
Pike2350 said:
Here's my thinking on this. She likes the "family" but doesn't love it. She may "like" you, but doesn't love you.

My guess is she feels extremely guilty for feeling the way she does. She may be being told how great she has it and she can't understand why she's not happy. This could be WHY she says she doesn't know....because she doesn't. Honestly, I think SHE is struggling to come to terms with her feelings of not being as invested in the family and you as she should be. She keeps trying to feel differently, but just can't. Your post about her saying it's weird being jus the 2 of you....that threw up flags for me. IF she isn't cheating physically, she is likely cheating emotionally. She may have found someone that brings back all the spark and excitement of a new relationship....and this fuels her feelings of guilt.

With that said, I'd tell her it's done. That she needs to move out (she asked if you wanted her to, she is willing) Let her have a little freedom and see if that opens her eyes to what she wants. My guess is someone is making her feel the fun and excitement and she is thinking "grass is greener" It never is, just different grass. She won't know until she finds out....however, YOU have given everything you can from the sound of it. Time to get yourself right and be there for your kids. No need to villianize her....she just doesn't feel the same way.
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I dont know if there is someone else, but I have been told time and again that everybody loves her. She is fun and spunky at work, she makes people smile and laugh, people delight in her. And that i do none of those things. Granted, i have a pretty flat affect, which to her has been soul killing she says. Those people also dont live with her, care for her, and love her. But what do i know.
 
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When nothing had changed for the better in 10 yrs and I had an honest look at my life and knew there was no way I wanted to wake up in another 30 yrs only to find not a single thing had improved. Fawk that.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
oh I would be gone yesterday
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My ex I suspected but needed to know for sure. Just look up phone records and you’ll know soon enough. I saw a number over and over. I called and an acquaintance answered. We were divorced a month later.
 
Rangerrod said:
My ex I suspected but needed to know for sure. Just look up phone records and you’ll know soon enough. I saw a number over and over. I called and an acquaintance answered. We were divorced a month later.
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Seriously, this.

Review your cell phone bill and see which numbers she is calling, how frequently, and how long. You can also see which numbers are texted.

Granted, if she's hiding it she could be using a Google Voice or other third party system under a different number which wouldn't show up on the bill. Gotta check the phone itself for that.
 
Yotota said:
Seriously, this.

Review your cell phone bill and see which numbers she is calling, how frequently, and how long. You can also see which numbers are texted.

Granted, if she's hiding it she could be using a Google Voice or other third party system under a different number which wouldn't show up on the bill. Gotta check the phone itself for that.
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Sounds to me like she wants to get caught. That was my ex. And even if it moves to 3rd party app. It most likely started innocently enough.
 
Well, let's not rule out that perhaps Karl was over to fix the cable, and Shari was also there because she needed to shower.
 
Yotota said:
Seriously, this.

Review your cell phone bill and see which numbers she is calling, how frequently, and how long. You can also see which numbers are texted.

Granted, if she's hiding it she could be using a Google Voice or other third party system under a different number which wouldn't show up on the bill. Gotta check the phone itself for that.
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Whatsapp is very popular with cheating whores it seems. :laughing:
 
Mr.Ratbastard said:
Are you soul killing?
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This is a legit question. Are you?

If she has unresolved issues she needs/wants someone in her life that she can treat as the “bad guy” and focus all her negativity towards. In this case you’re it. She’ll put on her fun persona for everyone outside the house so she can feel like people love her, and save her ugly persona for her whipping post and outlet of all of her unresolved resentment and anger, which is you.
 
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