Get to the truth. Your own and hers. What people say and what they really think are not that related. You need to be honest with yourself about who you are and what you really want and how you really feel about her. Know what your commitment is and what you are willing to do and be before you have any conversations.
Try to get her to be completely honest with you. Warts and all. Ask her if there is a way back or if she thinks the relationship is not save able.
In my first marriage, 22 years, my wife pretty much never lived up to what I hoped for. I felt like I had to carry all burdens, solve all problems and bail her out of problems she frequently go into. I allowed her to lie about things that I shouldn't have (spending money and robbing Peter to pay Paul.) she was not a strong parent. But, I believed I could 'make up the difference'.
Time wore on me. One day, by accident, I discovered that she had been lying to me about some purchases, which led to finding out she had 7 storage lockers FULL of 'stuff'.. valuable stuff. I figured out where a LOT of money had disappeared and, in that investigation, discovered hidden debt. All told, about 400K.
The lying and deception and not being able to trust is the cancer. If you have avoided that, and you aren't abusive, if she is honest with you, you might be able to rebuild. but, if the trust is broken, you'll never be able to feel right about her.
I am civil with my ex (for the few interactions we have) but I hate that she stole so many good years from me, and that hate is really just being really disappointed in myself for not seeing clearly and acting on things in the beginning. I would have been out of that relationship and on my way.
My second wife is straight up. The relationship is like night and day. I hoped marriage would be like it is now.
So, if your marriage is difficult and a pain in the ass and hard work all the time, you are in a shitty marriage, get out.