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Divorce...when is it time, when do you know. Facing the unknown.

I had a couple in about two years ago after selling their house. I always tend to ask where people are moving to. They explained to me they raised their two boys who were early 20s now and on their own. Sold the house and split everything 50/50. They were not upset with each other in the slightest. He bought an RV thing he was going to live and travel in, she put a down payment on a house by the ocean. Told me they raised their family, kids are all set, and were ready to move on. No hard feelings or anything. Felt like a total business deal.
 
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No sex ever again? It sounds like you have a free babysitter. Go to a lawyer by yourself and start the process. Be happy, go do things you want to do with and without your kids. Treat her like a babysitter, polite and nice but that's it.
I wouldn't have any more arguments with her about anything. If you really want to see a change in her watch her demeaner when she figures out she isn't on your list of priorities. "Do you want me to move out?" My response...You already know where I stand, you have to make that decision for yourself, come on kids we are going to grab something to eat your mom has some things to think about.
 
woods said:
I had a couple in about two years ago after selling their house. I always tend to ask where people are moving to. They explained to me they raised their two boys who were early 20s now and on their own. Sold the house and split everything 50/50. They were not upset with each other in the slightest. He bought an RV thing he was going to live and travel in, she put a down payment on a house by the ocean. Told me they raised their family, kids are all set, and were ready to move on. No hard feelings or anything. Felt like a total business deal.
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We know a couple that did this. They had two daughters, when the youngest graduated high school they divorced and split everything. Told their kids they had decided on that plan about 5 years earlier.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
To everyone saying exit, call a lawyer. We have discussed divorce. She had no interest in making it a fight over stuff or custody. In that conversation she just wanted to be free from all this. So I’m thinking about that, lawyering up seems like an aggressive move vs meeting with one together if that’s what really happens. She shahid she has no interest in getting the courts involved.
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Sounds like to me she has somebody advising her just like you have here. Getting a lawyer doesn't have to start with a full nuclear assault. At this point you have separate interests and you should be at the very least consulting a lawyer on the path forward even if it is going to be amicable.
 
Assuming you are going to get out of this relationship. It sounds like it's leaning that way.

You still need a lawyer. Let's say she keeps it amicable. You still need advice to get through this. So even in the best case scenario a lawyer will help.

Now the reality.... They act all nice until its real. Once they are no longer able to control you by the same old ways they try to find new ways. I went through it. During the relationship she was trying to control money and where i went. When that didn't work it was controlling with sex. or lack of. When i moved out it was trying to control what i could take from the house. Once i was out, the only thing she had left was the kids. For the last year she was trying to take them from me in court. It didn't start out like that and i never would have thought she'd go off the deep end as far as she did. but the lack of control made her nuts and there was no bottom to how low she would go. It even surprised me. I am telling you. If the only thing you ever listen to is one piece of advise. let it be this: get an attorney and file first. Because once you are out of the house and not under her control you are nothing more than a free paycheck to her.
There's an old saying "you never really know a woman until you've divorced her"
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
To everyone saying exit, call a lawyer. We have discussed divorce. She had no interest in making it a fight over stuff or custody. In that conversation she just wanted to be free from all this. So I’m thinking about that, lawyering up seems like an aggressive move vs meeting with one together if that’s what really happens. She shahid she has no interest in getting the courts involved.
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You are getting advice to call every lawyer in the book. There’s actually practical advice there. Doing so, and actually discussing the action with them, basically makes it impossible for her to get legal representation in your area. At the very least make serious contact with the best firms. Makes it a conflict of interest if they work for her later in most states.
if you want to get a lawyer together, fine. Just get one on the side yourself to review everything. Worth the money if that’s where this is headed. Divorce turns marriage into a contract dispute. You need personal representation in those situations.
 
JR4X said:
I’m glad you posted up Pennsylvaniaboy. It’s easy for people to judge from the outside looking in, but this topic needs a support group same as alcohol. There’s a 40+ long page I quit drinking thread where guys are helping each other stop toxic repetitive behavior that leads down a bad road.

Sounds like she’s given up on your relationship from her side. If she has no interest in in having a romantic loving relationship with you then I think she left you first. Sounds like she’s just waiting for you to make the “first” move so she doesn’t have to look like the bad guy.
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This man has been a saint....I owe you so much, more than I could type here or express...Thank you.
 
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45acp said:
Eh, I dunno about all that.

The most badass, premium divorce lawyer in this area is a chick. She usually only takes dudes. She murders bitches. Married females in this town tremble just hearing her name.
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How does one find this type of lawyer...I have very few divorced friends, and it's not like this is advertised as such....But I agree, I want someone who doesnt take crap from anyone.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
To everyone saying exit, call a lawyer. We have discussed divorce. She has a master plan She had no interest in making it a fight over stuff or custody. Until it doesn't go her way OR you find someone else In that conversation she just wanted to be free from all this. On her terms and fuck what you want So I’m thinking about that, lawyering up seems like an aggressive move vs meeting with one together Would you share her with a friend? if that’s what really happens. She shahid she has no interest in getting the courts involved. Again as long as she gets her way
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There's a reason we are saying what we say, we have been there and done that and have seen some things you haven't heard about yet. You've been busy trying to patch things up, taking on way more than your fair share and I would bet being super extra nice to her.

She is thinking this will continue with the added bonus of being free to live as she see's fit. She see's you as taking on all the burden and paying for her new way of life. Right now you are a puppy new born with eyes shut, you don't see these things and none of us really expect you to...yet.

Think back over your life, have you ever played a game or taken on something with the attitude that you wanted to lose? Of course not! We all play to win and this is no exception. The win here is to get your life back and to do the best for your kids that you can, you can't do this with sharing a lawyer. I'm not saying you have to be aggressive or slay her in court but you do need someone who represents you and you alone in your corner come game time.

It's time now for the puppy to grow a little and get those eyes open. You are here getting advice and that's a good thing but you better believe she is doing the same and the advice she is getting is to take you for all you're worth. You simply can't give her what she is going to want and still have a life of your own hence you getting your own lawyer. Think about it this way, you are involved in a serious car accident and need compensation for it. Would you share a lawyer with the guy who hit you? I bet you would laugh at him if he asked you to, this is the same thing.
 
Please seriously consider that she has been manipulating you into moving out= if you do, she will file ‘abandonment’ and you will be truly Fucked.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
To everyone saying exit, call a lawyer. We have discussed divorce. She had no interest in making it a fight over stuff or custody. In that conversation she just wanted to be free from all this. So I’m thinking about that, lawyering up seems like an aggressive move vs meeting with one together if that’s what really happens. She shahid she has no interest in getting the courts involved.
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this sounds like what 90% of divorced guys who got blindsided & cleaned out in a divorce say things started out like...


Lawyer up now and Keep your head on a swivel and in defensive mode till theink is dry.

I have a buddy who’s ‘amicable’ mutual divorce ended up that on the morning of them signing final papers, his soon to be ex wife quietly went around town and cleaned out all of their joint bank accounts and paid down the mortgage she was assuming on the house she was getting in the divorce. Guy found this all out that afternoon after signing when his debit card got declined somewhere... she took every last cent; the guy literally had to borrow money to put gas in his car the next day.
 
To the guys crying lawyer up, I’m asking earnestly. Why start with cut throat lawyers?

Remember this, it is never in a lawyer’s best interest to settle something quickly and efficiently. They make their money by the hour not the job. So if the OP even tells a lawyer he’s got a savings account that he doesn’t want to lose. Every lawyer see’s that as a cash cow that they can milk into their own account. All they have is time, time to get as much money for themselves as they can.

When I got divorced, my ex and I hated each other at that point. But I never hated her so much that I would rather a lawyer have my money than her. I had a lawyer tell me what my worst case scenario would be if I lost in court. Then we negotiated the terms ourselves. If that had failed the lawyer option was always still there. I don’t think that it would have cost me less if we’d have lawyered up. She got more than I felt was fair, and she got less than she felt was fair.

Who would you rather the money? The mother of your children or an overpaid stranger?
 
Good advice in here. She’s fucking someone else. Like stated above he’s just not stable enough or he’s married for her to make an exit with.

I agree with jr try and do this civilly. I did and by the time she got to talking with her friends it was too late. I let her guilt take control and she gave me everything.

last night my daughter and I were talking about what if her and I had stayed together. My daughter says “man did things work out better for you!!!” It is tough but you’ll get through it and be able to be yourself and be happier than you could ever imagine.
 
JR4X said:
To the guys crying lawyer up, I’m asking earnestly. Why start with cut throat lawyers?

Remember this, it is never in a lawyer’s best interest to settle something quickly and efficiently. They make their money by the hour not the job. So if the OP even tells a lawyer he’s got a savings account that he doesn’t want to lose. Every lawyer see’s that as a cash cow that they can milk into their own account. All they have is time, time to get as much money for themselves as they can.

When I got divorced, my ex and I hated each other at that point. But I never hated her so much that I would rather a lawyer have my money than her. I had a lawyer tell me what my worst case scenario would be if I lost in court. Then we negotiated the terms ourselves. If that had failed the lawyer option was always still there. I don’t think that it would have cost me less if we’d have lawyered up. She got more than I felt was fair, and she got less than she felt was fair.

Who would you rather the money? The mother of your children or an overpaid stranger?
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In my case the lawyer. To be fair my lawyer didn't ass rape me and probably wouldn't be putting my money up her nose like my ex would have.:flipoff2:
 
Lawyer up. If not for the reasons already cited, to make sure any contract you and the ex put together is legit. I had mutual document (non divorce related) that another person and I agreed on. I showed it to my lawyer buddy and his first comment was "this is not binding". So if you enter into something in good faith but find out later that you didn't word it right, you may be screwed.
 
Those of you saying she is cheating.....some things have raised my attention throughtout the last 8 months. I have kept track of a few things. I hate to assume the worst, and believe something that isnt true. Do i ask and present what I think? I guess the question is do I believe the answer....
 
RE: Cheating

Eh, it is plausible all sex drive can be totally gone.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Those of you saying she is cheating.....some things have raised my attention throughtout the last 8 months. I have kept track of a few things. I hate to assume the worst, and believe something that isnt true. Do i ask and present what I think? I guess the question is do I believe the answer....
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Don't bother asking, she wouldn't tell the truth anyway. What's caught your attention? There are signs a lot of us have seen which may be in common.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Those of you saying she is cheating.....some things have raised my attention throughtout the last 8 months. I have kept track of a few things. I hate to assume the worst, and believe something that isnt true. Do i ask and present what I think? I guess the question is do I believe the answer....
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I'd keep that to yourself. What good comes out of it? All that will do is make her defensive. After you guys split you will know in short order if there was someone else or not.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Those of you saying she is cheating.....some things have raised my attention throughtout the last 8 months. I have kept track of a few things. I hate to assume the worst, and believe something that isnt true. Do i ask and present what I think? I guess the question is do I believe the answer....
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You've got kids to raise. Nothing is gained by making the whole thing acrimonious. I think instead of lawyering up just yet, secure your understanding of your finances. If you need to, protect them.

Schedule a sit down with her and share that while you know she doesn't think anymore talk will help, that that 'fact' means that you don't belong together anymore. Ask her if she'd like to move out and get her own place (my advice, you stay with the kids at the house.) This will speed the process. If you don't have a ton of assets, try using mediation. See if she'll agree to that. If she does, it will cost you both less, you will get a better deal and no court time.

If she is going to go after you (if she is mad at you) then you'll have to get a lawyer and go that route.

If she is having an affair or just wants to split she will maybe go the mediator route.

Good luck man. Hey, it gets a lot better, you won't believe how much better you get through your day when all this stuff isn't on your head.
 
Lawless said:
Don't bother asking, she wouldn't tell the truth anyway. What's caught your attention? There are signs a lot of us have seen which may be in common.
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taking selfies, that then get deleted same day or in a few days(family ipad linked to her iphoto), lingerie drawer changes when im not in town, but never when i am in town, picking a diff night gown to go on a trip (solo) , came home middle of the day from working at a friends house, and wearing a robe and diff gown than normal....vs just a robe after a shower...


I also realize that I am heightened on all accounts and could be paranoid.
 
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pennsylvaniaboy said:
Those of you saying she is cheating.....some things have raised my attention throughtout the last 8 months. I have kept track of a few things. I hate to assume the worst, and believe something that isnt true. Do i ask and present what I think? I guess the question is do I believe the answer....
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Don't bother asking. Try what I said for the next two weeks. No fighting, be nice, if she insist on a fight go for a ride or out to eat with the kids. If she ask about moving out, nope I love you and I hope you are able to help yourself or let me know how I can help you. Moving out is a big decision you will have to own yourself.
My wife and I have been happily married 30 years. We had a rough patch 20 or so years ago and it was 99 percent over. One day while listening to her pick a fight, blaming me for anything and everything I said I am done fighting, done being your excuse for being unhappy, you have a beautiful kid and a loving husband. I am not arguing anymore, do what you think you have to do but you own the decision from here forward. I will help if I can but I wont be the reason you leave. I went jogging, bike riding, walking with my daughter and I quit fighting with her. It wasn't easy but in the end we worked it out and have been happy since. Act like a normal person would and don't get pulled into the crap. You also become more attractive if you are no longer her combatant and you show the real strength that takes. It's also a good lesson for your kids wether you stay together or not.

side note, were her parents divorced? Was she close to the age of your kids when they split? This was the case for us and I have noticed it in other relationships since so just curious. Or another one is has any of her friends just got a diborce?
 
That doesn't sound good. My wife and I went through a time where we were like some ridiculous verbal cage fighters as soon as we were together. I was done with it to the point of living in my car for a week. I came home to talk about getting a divorce and she talked me into going to counseling. We worked it out and have done well since then. She is my best friend again and we were able to raise our kids together. I'm really thankful we were able to do that and allow me the time with our kids.

That said, if you are having anger issues and don't think there is a way forward; blast out. A divorce with no abuse allegations is better than one with them.
 
Mr.Ratbastard said:
side note, were her parents divorced? Was she close to the age of your kids when they split? This was the case for us and I have noticed it in other relationships since so just curious. Or another one is has any of her friends just got a diborce?
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Actually most of our friends are adamantly fighting against divorce. Her parents did have a very rough patch but made it thru. I am marriage #2 for her.
 
junkytj said:
That doesn't sound good. My wife and I went through a time where we were like some ridiculous verbal cage fighters as soon as we were together. I was done with it to the point of living in my car for a week. I came home to talk about getting a divorce and she talked me into going to counseling. We worked it out and have done well since then. She is my best friend again and we were able to raise our kids together. I'm really thankful we were able to do that and allow me the time with our kids.

That said, if you are having anger issues and don't think there is a way forward; blast out. A divorce with no abuse allegations is better than one with them.
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Oh, I am implosive...I have never touched her in anger, and dont yell at her or say lashing words.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
taking selfies, that then get deleted same day or in a few days(family ipad linked to her iphoto), lingerie drawer changes when im not in town, but never when i am in town, picking a diff night gown to go on a trip (solo) , came home middle of the day from working at a friends house, and wearing a robe and diff gown than normal....vs just a robe after a shower...


I also realize that I am heightened on all accounts and could be paranoid.
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None of that sounds good actually a little bit similar to my ex in a way. What got you to thinking you should be checking the lingerie drawer? Trust your gut man it's very rarely wrong.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Oh, I am implosive...I have never touched her in anger, and dont yell at her or say lashing words.
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Op, you know the answer to what she has been up to.

When my ex made the decision for us she cut off sex. I was blind to it for about 6 months after she moved out I was still blind. This is what a true affair looks like and I finally realized it on my own without ever a clue. She checked out, things weren't going her way, I let her go out with her friends 1 night to relax. She slept with some loser and that fucker moved from Boston to right down the street from me in Central TX. She moved right on in with him and that was that.

I don't know you or your wife but 2 years of what you are describing is over the top. Move on.
 
Lawless said:
None of that sounds good actually a little bit similar to my ex in a way. What got you to thinking you should be checking the lingerie drawer? Trust your gut man it's very rarely wrong.
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Honestly was with the mindset of most of this was bought long before me and never used with me....and then i was like if she isnt into me, then maybe someone else. So i took picks to see if it changed. If she isnt using it for me, then it shouldnt be changing..
 
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