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Divorce...when is it time, when do you know. Facing the unknown.

pennsylvaniaboy

pennsylvaniaboy

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How do you guys know when it is time to call it? How much is enough, how long do you try to fix things?....How did you face the unknown, or the not knowing if you could have done more.....

I know each persons story is very personal, but if some awre willing to share, I'd love to hear. I would have never imagined myself even creating this thread 3 years ago...and now here I am.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
How do you guys know when it is time to call it? How much is enough, how long do you try to fix things?....How did you face the unknown, or the not knowing if you could have done more.....

I know each persons story is very personal, but if some awre willing to share, I'd love to hear. I would have never imagined myself even creating this thread 3 years ago...and now here I am.
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Not that I have any experience but sounds like you have answered your own question.

with that said, no one here is in your shoes and can answer for you. But you will hear a lot say they were glad it is over. Not many will be here to say glad they worked it out.
 
If you're having to ask on a public BB I think you already know the answer. However, without details like the situation, if you have kids, are you seeking counseling, etc. only you know the answer. Everyone else experiences/situations are different.
 
Gotta have a deep detailed ugly talk about it. Tell her what you think is wrong, listen to what she thinks is wrong, decide if either or both of you are willing or even able to work towards fixing it.

Sometimes it's just a small difference that has snowballed through resentment and self-righteousness, sometimes it's a fundamental difference that can't be worked out. Usually it's somewhere in between.
 
We were doing couples counseling, then at the cousnelor suggestion she is going to counseling on her own. We have 2 young kids 5-6. Just bought a house last summer. We will be married 10 years this fall. Communication is the major issue for her, ans she has a lot of trauma from the past that have made many of our issues so compounding and twisted....Me, emotionally distant, and pretty selfish with my time early on in our relationship...I didnt make her the priorty that she should have been. I had a big wake up call when we had kids and really jumped in, then 2 years ago she said things had to change and i have been trying so hard to make right all the things that she says are wrong. And seemingly no closer...if anything worse.

When ask her what I can do, she says she doesnt know.
 
grapehead said:
Gotta have a deep detailed ugly talk about it. Tell her what you think is wrong, listen to what she thinks is wrong, decide if either or both of you are willing or even able to work towards fixing it.

Sometimes it's just a small difference that has snowballed through resentment and self-righteousness, sometimes it's a fundamental difference that can't be worked out. Usually it's somewhere in between.
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Oh we have had this....she doesnt feel loved by me for who she is.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
Man I wish my marriage was like many of yours. But it has never really ahd that level of humor. The last few years ahve been very rough, with her saying she has regretted most of it. Im fighting like hell to save it, but reading all this maybe I am saving nothing. Maybe something better awaits.

My kids are a huge factor to me......not sure what to do.
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She regrets it? Give her what she wants and dissolve it. You trying to save it depending on what you are doing is more than likely making you look weak as fuck.

Next time she says she regrets it or something like that look her in the eye, tell her she's right it's time for her to go, show some strength and backbone but only if you are actually going to follow through with it.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
When ask her what I can do, she says she doesnt know.

[...]

Oh we have had this....she doesnt feel loved by me for who she is.
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Been there, same words and everything.

I still don't know what I should have done different, but at least I don't have to worry about this anymore.

I don't have kids though.

Edit : as a kid that saw my parents fight for a long time before divorcing, I wish they split ways earlier. Don't think that a divorce is the end of it all for them.
 
Lawless said:
She regrets it? Give her what she wants and dissolve it. You trying to save it depending on what you are doing is more than likely making you look weak as fuck.

Next time she says she regrets it or something like that look her in the eye, tell her she's right it's time for her to go, show some strength and backbone but only if you are actually going to follow through with it.
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I have been the whipping boy for her anger for the last 2 yrs....almost to the point of me ending it.
 
When you know, well the time was about 6 months before. Honestly, if one or both is not really interested in fixing it the time is immediate.

What to do - well that depends on the person. For me it was getting out from being around her all the time - move out. Started immediatly doing things that as I saw it "she took away". Saw the friends she did like. Went places she refused to go. Picked up hobbies she disapproved of.

The shorter list is what not to do:
Do not go straight out and get in another relationship. Strange is fine, but get your shit sorted first. BTW nailing randoms can come back to bite you if it goes to court (depends on state)
Do not get vindictive, violent, etc. Shits over, don't fuck up your future trying to prove something to someone who doesn't matter.
Do not get addicted to a mask - drinking and shit is fine, but don't go down that path of it being your answer. Your finally free, why put yourself in another cage?
Do not blame a 3rd party if they cheated/hooked up. You problem is with them, not some random person (the exception is if the other is your buddy/cousin/dad/sibling)

And I would consider that I had a "successful" divorce. We both left with what we wanted and we probably get along better for parenting now that we ever did before. A few things that really helped
- Research and know your state's laws - how long you must be separated, is it 50/50 or just agreement, rules if you have kids, etc
- Keep calm and collected. The fact that her cooking sucked or you can't remember to put the toilet seat down has zero impact on who gets the 401k. This is a business discussion at this point. If she cannot make sure to stay calm, if you do get a judge involved one of you being calm and collected and the other stark raving mad helps your case
- Save all your texts/messages. If you dont already setup backups. If you live in a single party state enable call recording (honestly all are good ideas anyway). Turn on google maps history tracking for a CYA
- Don't argue over piddly shit early on. Eg my ex really wanted the washer and dryer, it was expensive but a POS. Sure take it. Then later - how about we just take our own 401ks and split and she agrees.
- The end of this is - DO NOT LET A JUDGE DECIDE ANYTHING YOU CAN AVOID - everyone will get fucked when a 3rd party is involved.
- Oh, and lawyers are needed but some suck. If she hires an idiot, just deal with it. My exes lawyer was requesting changes to items that she wrote originally. Only took a few proves of that and they started accepting what mine wrote.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
We were doing couples counseling, then at the cousnelor suggestion she is going to counseling on her own. We have 2 young kids 5-6. Just bought a house last summer. We will be married 10 years this fall. Communication is the major issue for her, ans she has a lot of trauma from the past that have made many of our issues so compounding and twisted....Me, emotionally distant, and pretty selfish with my time early on in our relationship...I didnt make her the priorty that she should have been. I had a big wake up call when we had kids and really jumped in, then 2 years ago she said things had to change and i have been trying so hard to make right all the things that she says are wrong. And seemingly no closer...if anything worse.

When ask her what I can do, she says she doesnt know.
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The microwave has beeped, the relationship is done. You making her a priority isnt the issue. She likely doesn't know how to be happy and expects you to do it. Been there done that. Fixing her wrongs won't do it either. I tried

I learned a lot about myself and overall how people work during my divorce. Likely the most important lesson I got was happiness is your own. Another person cannot force you or make you happy. They can help, but only because you started the process and want to be.
 
Never do marriage counseling. It exists so the woman can look good to the courts, giving the impression that she tried to fix the marriage, so the courts will award her more of the husband's money.
 
2 things..
1) if you retain a lawyer, absolutely don't let a woman represent you!
2) this is almost as important as first rule.
file first!!!! I can't stress this enough
 
POR said:
2 things..
1) if you retain a lawyer, absolutely don't let a woman represent you!
2) this is almost as important as first rule.
file first!!!! I can't stress this enough
Click to expand...

You are dead fucking wrong. A shark is a shark is a shark and believe you me women make good sharks.
 
POR said:
2 things..
1) if you retain a lawyer, absolutely don't let a woman represent you!
2) this is almost as important as first rule.
file first!!!! I can't stress this enough
Click to expand...

Not true. In most cases a female lawyer representing a man provides the best outcome. File first depends on state, there are time responding is the better option (much like negotiating pricing)
 
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I might be the contrarian, but no one knows except you. We came pretty close to pulling the plug but didn’t. Not pulling the plug was the right decision. Just lots of pent-up bullshit on both sides. It took a year or so to work through, but things are much better now.

I was a dick for sure, but she took everything as an insult or slight. Even me cleaning the house was somehow a slight against her. She pulled a bit of the same shit, giving me a list of stuff I do that is wrong. I gave her a similar list of how she sucks. In the end we both changed our behavior a bit but not drastically. What is important is to let go of the grudges and not make new grudges.

The female mind is a strange place where logic and reason take a backseat to feelings.
 
the way I went about it, in reality you have two people in the long run to answer to, those would be your kids, they will ask questions in the future, and you will not hide the lies, nor will she

I as you said, were doing counseling, I followed all the suggestions
Say everything that needs to be said, as in "i want this to work" (no code talker crap)

cover all the bases, do the work. If she won't let it happen, then it is on her.
I did end up breaking the household when it became unacceptable behavior and needed my kid to realize that this isn't the way to go through life

cut to the chase:
10 years later, my daughter lives with me and I have full custody.

Note: If it goes bad, courts are paper driven, they could give a shit about your feelings. Facts, and paperwork will decide everything.
Start interviewing attorneys early, they come in all flavors of fail
I had one attorney that I presented my evidence, he said that I didn't have shit for a case , went across town and bam full custody with every major decision making regarding school, doctors an the such.
Make journals, write in them every day, keep notes.
When it comes to your kids be there, be there on time, and make it evident that this is important to you.
Every text, note, voice mail is something that a judge can eventually see,

I hope you can fix it, be keep in mind it is a slow process, painfully slow

good luck
 
I'm probably out of line here, but with kids involved, unless its violent, suck it up until they're 18. I wouldn't want to drag them through this.
 
I have never seen it without thinking she was getting greener pastures. if she has the itch, let her go. no reason to keep miserable trying to please someone who doesn't want to be around you,
 
Things weren't going well. She was spending more and more time away from home and I found that I didn't care. I enjoyed it when she wasn't around, and she seemed to enjoy not being around. We were no longer intimate. Not just sex, but we barely hugged, kissed or showed any affection. She would rarely even sleep in the bed, choosing to sleep on the couch instead. One day she asked me if I was happy in our marriage. I told her no, I asked her the same and she said no. We had a long discussion and she decided to move out. We were going to have a trial separation and work on things. After about a month she wanted to come back to the house. It was her families home we were renting. I got an apartment and moved out with my dog. We never worked on anything, or even spoke to each other much.

One day she called and we decided it was over. Things weren't going to improve and neither of us wanted to be in the marriage any longer. A few months later I met my current wife. The ex found out and begged and pleaded for me to come back. It was really stressful and sucked. She would blow up my phone day and night. I was nice and let her stay on my insurance so she could get the mental health she desperately needed. She finally got a job with benefits, she was fired from her teaching position. We got divorced officially. We actually met up at a Denny's and filled out the papers together. She was wearing an engagement ring that she didn't seem to want me to see. She also had gained a few pounds. I put two and two together and realized she was engaged and pregnant so she wanted the divorce done quickly.

When you start asking if it is time, it is time. It sucks for a while, but it gets better.
 
Unless you have a case that she is unstable you are in for a long 12-18months.
Try to keep it civilized, do Not be baited & do NOT move out of the house.
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
I have been the whipping boy for her anger for the last 2 yrs....almost to the point of me ending it.
Click to expand...

I could have written a bunch of what you did. She stopped counseling when the counselor focused on her. She had someone else. I thought it was platonic but it wasn't.

Wanted to honor my promise to her and God so I stuck it out. Prayed about it. In the end she ran off with someone else. I got out guilt free. She wanted out so bad she gave up a bunch in the divorce just to get away.

My ex has an undiagnosed personality disorder, her whole life she will crash and burn until she admits it and seeks help.
 
Lawless said:
You are dead fucking wrong. A shark is a shark is a shark and believe you me women make good sharks.
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No.... I'm not.. they make terrible defenders of men
 
pennsylvaniaboy said:
I have been the whipping boy for her anger for the last 2 yrs....almost to the point of me ending it.
Click to expand...

Get to the bottom of this and you will figure out the root cause. Get her to figure it out and you're 95% there.
 
kf4zht said:
Not true. In most cases a female lawyer representing a man provides the best outcome. File first depends on state, there are time responding is the better option (much like negotiating pricing)
Click to expand...

First filer sents the tone for the whole court proceedings.. no one ever wants to hear the other side defend itself. File first and set the scenario... men always are on the short end of the stick as far as divorces go as a group. No fucking woman walking the earth can remotely appreciate that and defend accordingly.
 
Well aren't we all emotionally distant and selfish. The world is not a welcoming receptacle for male feelings.

You don't love her for who she is? Fuck that. She's having an end-of-uterus crisis, her sex hormones are ramping up, and her flower is about to wither. This is what women do, the reason they made up 'midlife crisis' for men was because they suffer the condition and project it upon us. You may have noticed women sometimes do that.

Good luck, let her find herself by backpacking to MENA and finding her welcome there.
 
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