The early untimely death of my mother did it for me. My mom made sure her kids were raised in the Catholic Church. I was an alter boy, went through bible study school called catechism, involved in a youth group through the church. You’d be hard pressed to find a woman more kind or generous than my mother. She was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer at the age of 37 when I was 16, my baby brother was 4 years old. Cancer took her life at the age of 39 with 5 kids ages 18, 16, 14, 10, and baby brother turned 6 while she was on her death bed.
My mother who’s name was Susan loved her kids so much more than herself that she ignored the signs of cancer taking over her body. The year she died I was spending a ton of time with her. One of the events going on that year was the sentencing of Susan Smith, the woman who sent her car to the bottom of a lake with her children trapped inside of it. That human pile of trash is still alive in prison today for killing her own kids. While my mother who wanted nothing more than to see her kids grow up, fall in love and have kids of their own is dead of cancer.
To say I lost my fucking mind is an understatement. I disagree with the church that god doesn’t make mistakes and that the lord works in mysterious ways. I never felt so betrayed. I abandoned my family and embarked on a mission to study other religions to compare to Catholicism. The more I read the more I was convinced it was all bull shit. There is no god, all religions are just Santa Clause for adults to trick people into being good on this earth with the false promise of a perfect eternal afterlife.
I’m convinced that heaven and hell are right here on earth. Hell is being born into a poor family through no fault of their own, being raped tortured murdered. Heaven is being born into a wealthy family through nothing other than luck and having every opportunity land in their lap.