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Nerdy jokes:

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes!”


Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. lt’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”


A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off’. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”. To which the engineer replied, “Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”


A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”


Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.


A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.


Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream.
How about with no milk?”


Entropy isn’t what it used to be.


Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”


Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”


Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”.


A Higgs boson particle walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs bosons in here”. The Higgs boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”


The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
 
Question: How much money does a pirate pay for corn?

Answer: A buccaneer.
 
Halloween Trick 'r Treater dressed as a Pirate, knocks on a door....
Lady answers and says "What a fierce looking Pirate. But where are your buccaneers?"
Pirate kid answers...."They're under my buccan hat"......
 
If you had an 8 inch dick sticking out of your forehead, when you look up, how many inches of it would you be able to see?


















None, because my balls would be covering your eyes
 
Responsible Citizen

Whilst strolling around the harbor this morning about 11 am, I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.
If he didn't get help, he would surely drown.
Being a responsible American citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 pm, the terrorist has drowned and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
Ima starting to think that I wasted four stamps-
 
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

This proves that you can't kill two birds with one stone.
 
I need a joke for my neighbor since his return from the hospital.


Just great, now he’s gonna be twice the asshole he was.

Guy likes being an asshole so much he had the doctor give him an extra.

He’s recovering from an colostomy, has super thick skin. Any ideas?
 
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of this, the man finally gets fed up and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach it a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and kicking for a few minutes, but then all goes quiet. The man opens the freezer up, the parrot calmly steps out onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor to correct my behavior.” The man is astounded. As he’s about to ask the parrot what’s caused this sudden change in attitude, the parrot continues, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
 
Squirrels in a Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there & they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met & decided to put in a waterslide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.

But the Methodist church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!"

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
 
Did you know one in ten people live next door to a pedophile?







Not me man, I live next door to a pair of smoking hot ten year old chicks
 
An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.
His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
 
When a politician dies
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