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Advice on dealing with my boss

71PA_Highboy

An Unknown but Engorged Member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Member Number
442
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186
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Near the Triad, Lookin' at the freeway
Nope... not what you are thinking.

He is great. I am working hard to get him a promotion to VP... Don't want his job, not my forte.

My request for advice is this (long story):

Last week he said he was hospitalizing his daughter. I have heard nothing until today when he wanted a 1/2 hour meeting to 'catch up'.

I am a private person so I respect others privacy as well, so I let him know that I was willing to listen if he needed to talk.

As a couple of more comments went by I was a bit more confused as to his comments about how difficult things were and how he wasn't himself, and he talked to his pastor and his wife talked to her therapist.

I googled his daughter (she has a very unique name) and found a blog post from 2007 where she was born with and diagnosed with cancer.

It hit me, his daughter just died from her battle with cancer that has lasted for 14 years...

Truly, we aren't friends, but as a respected co-worker and supervisor I wish him and his family only the best and would like to be supportive.

Having never have been in, or close to someone in that situation (parent losing a child for any reason), I have no experience to guide me. What is the best way for me to help and support him without overly intruding into his private life?

Thanks for the input.
 
71PA_Highboy said:
Nope... not what you are thinking.

He is great. I am working hard to get him a promotion to VP... Don't want his job, not my forte.

My request for advice is this (long story):

Last week he said he was hospitalizing his daughter. I have heard nothing until today when he wanted a 1/2 hour meeting to 'catch up'.

I am a private person so I respect others privacy as well, so I let him know that I was willing to listen if he needed to talk.

As a couple of more comments went by I was a bit more confused as to his comments about how difficult things were and how he wasn't himself, and he talked to his pastor and his wife talked to her therapist.

I googled his daughter (she has a very unique name) and found a blog post from 2007 where she was born with and diagnosed with cancer.

It hit me, his daughter just died from her battle with cancer that has lasted for 14 years...

Truly, we aren't friends, but as a respected co-worker and supervisor I wish him and his family only the best and would like to be supportive.

Having never have been in, or close to someone in that situation (parent losing a child for any reason), I have no experience to guide me. What is the best way for me to help and support him without overly intruding into his private life?

Thanks for the input.
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say those words to him
 
I take work relationships seriously, for good or bad. You don't have to go to the movies or pizza with co-workers to have a relationship. Sounds like the ball is in his court, but you might have to get him away from the work environment for him to open up.
 
Honestly, once he confirms it as such express your condolences and step up where you can work wise.
Nothing is going to fill that void in his life, let him heal and give him space.
 
you sound like a decent human being and good on you :beer:

imo there is nothing you can do other than being polite and occasionally asking him how hes doing
 
"so dude bro I like literally e-stalked you and totally found out your daughter so like cacked it, what's up with that, then?"
 
Since he is not really making a public issue of it I would just say the next time you talk that you are there if he needs anything. He will probably know what you are talking about and he can make a choice on whether he clues you in or not. just my opinion
 
As someone who has direct reports make his job easier. If someone ask for him ask them what you can do to help. Last thing I need is bitches being bitches and a mountain of stupid emails
 
nahmus said:
Since he is not really making a public issue of it I would just say the next time you talk that you are there if he needs anything. He will probably know what you are talking about and he can make a choice on whether he clues you in or not. just my opinion
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X2. Just ask what he may need and if he wants to talk, just listen.
 
Just listen and tell him you are here to support him. It isn't what you say but how you say it. Just show him that you care that is what matters.
 
Fuck his wife and video it? Play video at the next company meeting to get his mind off his daughter?













Seriously, before the other site this thought would have probably never crossed my mind. You assholes ruined me:flipoff2:
 
Make sure he knows that you are their to be loyal to and support him; that you have his back. Make sure it sounds like you mean at the job, which you obviously do. Don't push the issue or let on that you might know as he seems to not want to open up about it, at least not yet.
 
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2big bronco said:
Fuck his wife and video it? Play video at the next company meeting to get his mind off his daughter?













Seriously, before the other site this thought would have probably never crossed my mind. You assholes ruined me:flipoff2:
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Then pee in his but? 🤔
 
Listen when he needs to talk. Try to lighten his work load when you can. Help the other staff to understand what is happening (no details, just big picture). If you hear when services for the daughter are scheduled, make a point to attend, even if it requires using a vacation day.
 
That's pretty brutal. I think the best advice I have come up with for shit sandwich situations like that is what I came up with regarding my nephew's death at 18. That kid was my brothers world and it tore everyone up bad when he died.

I told him that nobody wants him to get over it, but we all want him to get through it.

I was talking with my best friend's dad who lost his wife to cancer and told him the same thing and it seemed to strike a cord with him. The best thing is to just let him know that you have his back no matter what he wants to do.
 
Does he drink coffee? Small gift card to a local place placed anonymously?
 
There is really nothing you can say that will fix this even a little. You just can't.
What you can do is let him know that you care and you'll be there when he needs you.
You be surprised just how much that little phrase "I care" means to people.
 
Pony_Driver said:
Does he drink coffee? Small gift card to a local place placed anonymously?
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I am sorry but I am about to bust out laughing how ridiculous this sounds. Hey, I heard your daughter passed away. Heres a gift card. Ok I did bust out laughing, give me my bus ticket. It's a terrible situation, I truely feel bad for the guy and I know PD has good intentions but I wouldn't do a gift card unless it's to somewhere cool. J/K, no gift card.


To the original question. I would let him know if there is anything you can do be sure and let you know, work stuff, go to lunch and talk, anything he needs you will do what you can just ask.
 
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You need to let him know that you will be there for him if he ever needs to go get coffee, eat lunch.... whatever. Even if that means you both just chill and eat in silence. Sometimes company is just what you need... not to discuss feelings. When he is ready to talk... he will. I think it was said well before.... repeat your line about how can you help without intruding as it seems your work relationship is strong enough.

A promotion is not really the key here though. That is like... "Here, a promotion will fix everything, just forget about your daughter. Everything is good now." I understand where you are coming from though.

Good on you though. You are a decent person who legitimately cares.



Semi-related... my wife and I were discussing my conflicted feelings about reaching out to a buddy of mine whose sister just got killed in a jeep accident the other day. I wanted to reach out immediately, but held off. I needed to give him space and let him be with his family for everything. She said that the best thing you can do is be there as the support group begins to fade away after a couple of weeks. That is usually when it hits the hardest.
 
Make his work life as less stressfull as possible. My advice below...

1. He obviously doesn't want everyone knowing, so dont go telling everyone. When we lost our baby, the last thing I wanted was for the 100th person I didn't give 2 shits about to come up saying empty sentiment like "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do.

2. Some times the best thing you can do is give him a piece of normalcy... like if you trash talk between eachother, dont stop now... keep being normal and try not to make it awkward. Work may be his only escape from the reality at home of losing his child.

3. Step up and dont be a pain in his ass... As a boss, no matter what you have going on at home you have a level of responsibility at work, but at the end of the day no matter how good at your job you are, you are still just a human. So, the less issues he has with workers the better.

4. Dont go to him prying for a conversation about it. If he hits you up, then by all means... but dont go dropping hints or out right saying that you know. There is nothing wrong with being overly nice and offering to take him to lunch or accidently ordering too many burritos one day. However, try to avoid any personal shit unless he brings it to you.
 
thats a tough one

im might just be a terrible person, but if a coworker doesnt bring up a personal issue at work, i try to leave it alone

let them have a little separation from work/home, could be his only escape/distraction

maybe a gentle "im here for you man"
 
Not sure if it has been mentioned, but dress up nice and go to any/all services or viewings that are published publicly. You won't have to say anything but he will know.
 
Mr.Ratbastard said:
I am sorry but I am about to bust out laughing how ridiculous this sounds. Hey, I heard your daughter passed away. Heres a gift card. Ok I did bust out laughing, give me my bus ticket. It's a terrible situation, I truely feel bad for the guy and I know PD has good intentions but I wouldn't do a gift card unless it's to somewhere cool. J/K, no gift card.


To the original question. I would let him know if there is anything you can do be sure and let you know, work stuff, go to lunch and talk, anything he needs you will do what you can just ask.
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The point being it's a small token to let him know someone gives a fuck about him, even on the most basic human level. It's not a "make it all better" solution.

DuckTape said:
Not sure if it has been mentioned, but dress up nice and go to any/all services or viewings that are published publicly. You won't have to say anything but he will know.
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This also isn't a bad idea.
 
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