How come nobody takes a thief’s stuff when they are caught, empty their pockets, take it all. All these videos of pickpockets getting caught and beat up, they all let them go. Just a beating, take their pants, shoes, **** em.
I think you can, but you need to be in a position to do so. Do you remember the back of the door in the dump they lived in the movie Fight Club?
"Neighbor" kid stole a package off my front porch. Went to his parents' house and asked them if their son was home because I believe he may have received a package that is mine. I'm so nervous and sweating so bad that I think my shoes had a gallon of sweat in them and I spoke so fast I had to repeat. They said they were home all day and didn't receive any deliveries. I told them it was at my house. They yelled and screamed at me saying their child was a perfect little angel and I was mistaken. This is when I switched modes to full asshole like I'm dealing with people at work.
I said I was going to post the video I have on the local Facebook community page asking if anyone knew this porch pirate. The expression on their face changed but the words stayed the same. I showed them the video of him taking it off my front porch and their car that was in their driveway... him getting into it at the road in front of my house.
The Mom shuts the **** up because she realizes her perfect child's college entrance was on the line and doing all the math of what it was going to be like to have a kid that never left the nest. The Dad starts yelling at the kid to come to the door like a Dad who realized their child they used to wipe the puke off their face is now a ****bag.
Kid sees me and has the "I just got a porcupine up the ass" look on his face. Kid doesn't look familiar to me but maybe he knows me. Says it wasn't him. Dad told him to quit lying and go get it. Kid goes and gets it. It's my Zeon Platinum 10 and he already opened the box.
Gives it to me by flopping it down on the patio and says "there you go" and I stand there like I'm Forest Gump but with a **** eating grin on my face. The Mom seems relieved, like she just did a paternity test and the kid is the the father's and thinks the issue is resolved.
I said "I believe I deserve to be compensated for locating, research and retrieval, plus incidentals for fuel, the box says this is a two person lift item and I may hurt myself, and hazard pay for being screamed at by two elderly people". The Mom's demeanor goes back to rage and says "you got to be kidding me" and I said, "Nothing in this world is free, I earn about two bucks a minute so I think all in we can agree $1,000 cash would be fair compensation, or $1,300 including the overhead of processing a check or credit card".
The Mom starts arguing with me saying it's not worth that much but the Dad tells her that's not the point and she kind of gets it. I asked the kid how much he was going to sell it for and he ignored me and I said "about 1500" and then he nodded. The Mom started realizing the gravity of the situation. The Dad already realized it was worth it to pay and is trying to complete the transaction.
The Dad (he has a small business and works for himself as an electrician) looks at the kid like he's going to be sweeping construction sites the rest of his life and says "We can do cash". The Mom (who works at a fitness center and grosses less than I pay in federal income taxes) starts talking about hardship and tries to negotiate lower while the Dad goes and gets the money. I said "I know, it's tough out there, but it seems like there is ample money to be made on YouTube posting security videos like this and confrontations." I then point to my truck parked at the road and show the camera suction cupped to my hood. The Mom is both extremely livid and scared now, arms flying like only young Gen Xers can move them from watching too many hours of Barney the purple dinosaur. She said something about being illegal to film and I said not from public property (the road).
The Dad makes the son apologize for wasting my time and the inconvenience. Kid means it as far as I can tell, but I'm not sure if it's because he got caught or what his Dad is going to make him do. The Mom wants to spew more stupid but she contains herself somehow. She's visibly squirming like a kid hopped up on pop rocks and redbull.
I stand there, in the awkward silence (it's a gift to not feel required to fill silence) I wait until the Mom realizes she's supposed to apologize and she does and I think she might have almost meant it. Since I'm in full asshole mode at this time I said "that's OK, it's a tough situation and not something one expects their child to do, but let it be known that past performance is often an indication of future results and if anything else of mine comes up missing or there is any vandalism such as hitting my trash cart with their car I will assume it is your son and I'm not always this cordial. I was a kid once and did many stupid things, but never permanently borrowing and certainly not getting caught. Some might say I am still a kid because I still do all sorts of stupid things."
Dad thanks me for giving them the opportunity to resolve this mistake before taking it further and offers to carry my winch to my truck. I said "Nope, I'm good, it's only like 80lbs" and put it under my left arm. Mom couldn't keep her cakehole shut and asked, "What do you mean by cordial, you just shaked us down for a thousand bucks"... which is like 2 weeks take home for her so it's a lot of money in her eyes... for nothing. I stared at her and ****ed my head sideways like she was speaking ancient Hebrew in reverse because the Dad got it.
I said "take a look at what is in my back pocket when I walk away".
The Mom says something along the lines of "what does that mean" and the Dad says "Goddammit honey do you always have to push it, they're marine flares."
