Parenting the manipulative teen in a split household

[BDK]

She needs one on one conversations with her father that she thinks are private. My sister was exactly this kid when she hit her teen years. Drama queen. Non-broken home, very happy household with great parents. My Dad let her get away with everything because he was a workaholic and she was daddy's little girl. She straightened herself out in her early 20's, got married, had a few kids and is about to retire from her teaching position soon.

 

[Tin Roof]

Her mom says she feels unsafe being here, presumably because I have rules, expectations, and lay down the law.

You need to start with requesting an explanation of what "unsafe" means.

The new generation of kids, parented by the public school system are by and large, a bunch of entitled brats taught to focus on self care, finding their personal truths, and retreating to a safe space. I never thought it would happen to my own kid, yet here we are.

It's far more than just the public school system. Society in general is making them this way.

She wanted to discuss the issues she has with my wife separately, with only me. Things she has said to hurt my daughter's feelings, and things have said to do the same. I won't entertain it. She will not try to sow dissention throughout my household to play her games.

I think this is a major mistake on your part. She wants to be one on one with her father. You taking the hard stance that you refuse that is going to look to her that she's not important. That will further drive a wedge between you and your daughter in her mind. There's nothing wrong with the two of you having a private conversation.

Her mother refuses to burn her world down, thinking she can change the behavior from coddling her. My recommendation was to pull her from school and put her in a different one, take away her extra curricular activities, and put her on lockdown. Mom is unwilling to do any of that.

Your response to all of this is to take her away from all activities, and pull her away from all/any of her peers that she might have a friendship with? WTF? Isolating a 16yo girl like that is going to backfire terribly.

I think it's amplified by split households,

That's because the way your post reads you want to have a strict military style home and your ex is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Somewhere in the middle is the happy spot.

 

[Dead Pool]

I'm not above being introspective about myself. Thank you for that response sir. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and yeah I know a lot of what I have done in the past has been messed up, but I do appreciate yall for taking the time to respond.

 

[Tin Roof]

I'm not above being introspective about myself. Thank you for that response sir. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and yeah I know a lot of what I have done in the past has been messed up, but I do appreciate yall for taking the time to respond.

Our oldest daughter (now 28) was a handful like this in HS and we made a lot of mistakes handling it. It took her years to get squared away in adulthood.
The youngest daughter is 16 and we are doing our best to not make the same mistakes, so far so good.

Good luck to you.

 

[Speedy]

No advice, just wishing you patience and good luck.

 

[Ranchtruck]

Your response to all of this is to take her away from all activities, and pull her away from all/any of her peers that she might have a friendship with? WTF? Isolating a 16yo girl like that is going to backfire terribly.

Yeah and depending on how strong she is that backfire may be a suicide. So the "2 years till shes not my problem" timeline could get altered.

 

[engineerjoe]

I tell my kids, "I'm not here to be your friend. My job as your parent is to make you a respectful, hard working member of society"

The root problem I see here is not being on the same page as your ex-wife/coparent. Work out the issues you have with the ex so your daughter sees a unified front, at least on the big issues. Focus on the behavior that you see and how you can work together as coparents. Once your daughter sees that she can't manipulate either coparent separately, she'll fall in line better (but teens are rebellious in nature so it'll never be completely fixed).

Open communication with the ex and the daughter are the key, and YOU may need to make changes first to show your intentions. YOU need to be the adult and be able to compromise and have civil discussions with the people in your life.
Clear expectations should be discussed and agreed upon. Type up the house rules (for everyone, not just your daughter) and have them available to review when broken.
My three rules are:
"Treat others how you want to be treated"
"Put things where they go or where you found them"
"Use the right tool for the job"
All other specific house rules fall out of those three basic ideas.

Boys are cycle of 3 years of good behavior, then 3 years of bad behavior, 3 good, etc.
Girls are a 12 year cycle. Buckle up, you're not even halfway through.

 

[fordguy]

any chance of the trophy wife pics?

asking for a friend

 

[Bebop]

[...] my diplomacy is something along the lines of "listen up, you bitch, here's what needs to happen".

I think this sums up the whole thread.

 

[Yota Up]

Was she a liberal when you got together with her, and if so, why would you do that to yourself?

Note to young guys, pay attention here. Liberal = mental disease. Stay away.

 

[arse_sidewards]

Smart enough to take vacations to europe without a job. Best of luck to ya.

No matter how much work dad puts in daughter will follow that path because what 16yo wouldn't if the option appears viable to them.

Women are basically impossible to indoctrinate into desiring to be being self supporting and having that fire of productivity lit under their ass on a good day. For a non-custodial father with a liberal mom who's pushing the opposite it's not even worth wasting the time trying.

 

[bad zuki]

No matter how much work dad puts in daughter will follow that path because what 16yo wouldn't if the option appears viable to them.

Women are basically impossible to indoctrinate into desiring to be being self supporting and having that fire of productivity lit under their ass on a good day. For a non-custodial father with a liberal mom who's pushing the opposite it's not even worth wasting the time trying.

Seeing how the daughter is earning the entitlement from the mom, and has moms genes of wanting to be entitled, I don’t know enough about physiology to help out.

 

[ExWrench]

Women are basically impossible to indoctrinate into desiring to be being self supporting and having that fire of productivity lit under their ass on a good day.

- so you're saying that the hardworking, self-sufficient women I've known over the years didn't actually exist? Or they never had a good day? Or you're talking out your ass sideways again?

 

[arse_sidewards]

- so you're saying that the hardworking, self-sufficient women I've known over the years didn't actually exist? Or they never had a good day? Or you're talking out your ass sideways again?

Don't be an obtuse fuckwad. Leave that for the Californians who pretend they're not Californians.

You know full well that the overwhelming majority of women are dependents at their core and that of those who don't overtly act that way the bulk of them will if they have a man they can depend on who'll put up with it.

 

[ExWrench]

Don't be an obtuse fuckwad. Leave that for the Californians who pretend they're not Californians.

You know full well that the overwhelming majority of women are dependents at their core and that of those who don't overtly act that way the bulk of them will if they have a man they can depend on who'll put up with it.

Ahhh, nice backpedal there skewed_anus - now you've gone from implying all women are incapable of aspiring to self-sufficiency, to stating an "overwhelming majority" fit in your stereotype.

My only issue was with your wannabe-absolute statement reflective of your general disrespect of women. Now that we're out of absolute territory (which clashes directly with my having met badass women from both coasts & a shitload of states in between), I DGAF where you take your bullshit for a walk

Wayment - maybe your prejudice is 100% true - of women willing to talk to you

 

[Landslide]

"Blah blah blah I made bad choices, got divorced and wonder why my kid is messed up."

Fuck me. Hey intardnet, helps me fix my kid drama problems.

Yeah well, good luck with that shit.

 

[arse_sidewards]

Ahhh, nice backpedal there skewed_anus - now you've gone from implying all women are incapable of aspiring to self-sufficiency, to stating an "overwhelming majority" fit in your stereotype.

My only issue was with your wannabe-absolute statement reflective of your general disrespect of women. Now that we're out of absolute territory (which clashes directly with my having met badass women from both coasts & a shitload of states in between), I DGAF where you take your bullshit for a walk

Wayment - maybe your prejudice is 100% true - of women willing to talk to you

All women are incapable of aspiring to self-sufficiency unless their personal track record proves otherwise.

I would even go so far as to say that more women are self sufficient than want to be.

So for the purposes of this discussion about some mother and daughter I haven't met I think it's a pretty fair assumption.

 

[Landslide]

You're not wrong buddy....If only I had a time machine.

I don’t understand how two people get married for love ❤️ for better or worse, rich or poor, health or sickness, then when a speed bump of sorts comes along, it’s throw in the towel and the war of ex’s begin. Oh, let’s not forget to use the kids as pawns in the fight.

People suck.

My parents divorced when I was 12 in the early 70’s. I raised the bar for being married to where my grandparents had. They lived a full life married and died within a year of each other in their late 80’s. I’ve been close (two weeks before wedding and called it off) to marriage several times. But sooner or later the psychopathic shit starts leaking out of them bitches and I tell em to hit the fuckin road. So, yeah I’ve never been married and decided to just stay dating and have a GF like I do today. I still have all the stuff I acquired throughout my life and no fuckin drama shit to put up with.

I’m banging on your balls (that If you got them back) but I can honestly say, I don’t envy people who go through this shit. I’ve had several friends go through it which cooled my jets on marriage. I had several friends who I watched through the last 35 years be their wives bitches. Cooled my jets too. I don’t want any of that shit at all.

I tried the dating bitches with kids twice years ago. Nope, nope, nope, fuck that shit too. It’s like involving your life into the world you’re currently living but only a floor mat under your ex if you get what I mean.

Now I’m of the age that I’m with grandmas and they need loving too. But they are somewhat detuned from all that crazy shit drama.

Bitches are driven by emotions whereas guys are drivin by logic (ones with some gray matter keeping the ears apart) at times they get along with each other and at times need each other. Then there are times it’s like touching the negative and positive wires together. Like in your case, but you have little daughter neutral that made contact with the sparks and ended up stuck on the other wire. But remember, she is also driven by emotions.

#1 rule of law. Bitches are the most vindictive species on the planet earth, you my son didn’t take precautions to protect yourself early on, time for you to live through a lifetime of bitches emotional war hell

God speed

 

[Grnjp92]

I tell my kids, "I'm not here to be your friend. My job as your parent is to make you a respectful, hard working member of society"

The root problem I see here is not being on the same page as your ex-wife/coparent. Work out the issues you have with the ex so your daughter sees a unified front, at least on the big issues. Focus on the behavior that you see and how you can work together as coparents. Once your daughter sees that she can't manipulate either coparent separately, she'll fall in line better (but teens are rebellious in nature so it'll never be completely fixed).

Open communication with the ex and the daughter are the key,

Realistically there is a reason they are an ex. So yes there is going to be tension. Communication is important. As is knowing when you've lost. Be open to conversations with your kid. Even if they are shitty. Hopefully they grow up. Good luck..

Father of a 17 year old who lives with her mother.

 

[Grnjp92]

No matter how much work dad puts in daughter will follow that path because what 16yo wouldn't if the option appears viable to them.

Women are basically impossible to indoctrinate into desiring to be being self supporting and having that fire of productivity lit under their ass on a good day. For a non-custodial father with a liberal mom who's pushing the opposite it's not even worth wasting the time trying.

Bah, im not sure how women hurt you? But as a father of a young daughter i try my best to keep her between the lines.

 

[Clb]

Way tldr
I was gunna say
"United Front"
Now I'm out.
Godspeed

 

[ExWrench]

I don’t understand how two people get married for love ❤️ for better or worse, rich or poor, health or sickness, then when a speed bump of sorts comes along, it’s throw in the towel and the war of ex’s begin. Oh, let’s not forget to use the kids as pawns in the fight.

People suck.

My parents divorced when I was 12 in the early 70’s. I raised the bar for being married to where my grandparents had. They lived a full life married and died within a year of each other in their late 80’s. I’ve been close (two weeks before wedding and called it off) to marriage several times. But sooner or later the psychopathic shit starts leaking out of them bitches and I tell em to hit the fuckin road. So, yeah I’ve never been married and decided to just stay dating and have a GF like I do today. I still have all the stuff I acquired throughout my life and no fuckin drama shit to put up with.

I’m banging on your balls (that If you got them back) but I can honestly say, I don’t envy people who go through this shit. I’ve had several friends go through it which cooled my jets on marriage. I had several friends who I watched through the last 35 years be their wives bitches. Cooled my jets too. I don’t want any of that shit at all.

I tried the dating bitches with kids twice years ago. Nope, nope, nope, fuck that shit too. It’s like involving your life into the world you’re currently living but only a floor mat under your ex if you get what I mean.

Now I’m of the age that I’m with grandmas and they need loving too. But they are somewhat detuned from all that crazy shit drama.

Bitches are driven by emotions whereas guys are drivin by logic (ones with some gray matter keeping the ears apart) at times they get along with each other and at times need each other. Then there are times it’s like touching the negative and positive wires together. Like in your case, but you have little daughter neutral that made contact with the sparks and ended up stuck on the other wire. But remember, she is also driven by emotions.

#1 rule of law. Bitches are the most vindictive species on the planet earth, you my son didn’t take precautions to protect yourself early on, time for you to live through a lifetime of bitches emotional war hell

God speed

So if your input is to be considered remotely helpful, you're hanging your hat on the "time machine" option, I take it?

If OP does get a DeLorean & plutonium, are you saying to go back in time & stay married or not get married at all?

Hmmm . . . maybe he's best assuming that's a non-starter, and focusing on helping his daughter be a good person.

 

[ExWrench]

All women are incapable of aspiring to self-sufficiency unless their personal track record proves otherwise.

All absolute statements are false. <-- well, except that one

So we're back to you just spewing shit - well, "bless your heart"

I would even go so far as to say that more women are self sufficient than want to be.

Wow, bold statement there - way to go out on a limb
- same goes for men, but you're obsessing on the women?

I don't know who hurt you or how, but you're not dealing with it very well